June 2nd 2020 – My new single ‘Lonely Battle’ is now available everywhere. A song about wearing a mask and struggling with yourself. I wrote it in 2016 as an exercise for therapy after I hadn’t written anything for almost 3 years. Now in 2020 I release it into the world on World Eating Disorders Action Day, because an eating disorder (or any other type of mental illness) doesn’t have to be a lonely battle. You are not alone.
Watch the official lyric video on YouTube or listen to ‘Lonely Battle’ on your favorite streaming platform.Spotify
About the song
After participating in a national tv talent show in 2014 I kinda quit music for a while. My insecurities and perfectionism had taken over. I compared myself to the other contestants and concluded I wasn’t good enough to ever realize my dream. I know now it is not that black and white, but 17-year-old me believed it to be true. For as long as I could remember my musical dream was what kept me going and now it was all gone.
It left a hole in me and it didn’t take long for an eating disorder to fill up that hole. I thought controlling my food and my body would give me confidence, control and worth. Quite the opposite was true. What started out as an innocent interest in food and exercising turned into an obsession. I felt ashamed and tried to solve the problem myself. I was in a dark place, fighting a lonely battle everyday while forcing a smile on my face.
Eventually I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had lost control completely. I started therapy. During my second session we talked about music. I had denied missing my passion and outlet until then, but it suddenly hit me and all I could do was cry. Like something in me had died and I had never taken the time to grief. My therapist gave me an exercise: write a song about where you are right now. It doesn’t have to be good, no one has to hear it. Just try to expres whatever you’re feeling in music.
That night I wrote ‘Lonely Battle’. It was an important step in my eating disorder recovery. It felt good to turn something so negative into something positive like music. It gave me power. For the first time in a long time I felt proud of myself. I started writing again and my dream came back to life. It gave me something to fight for.
Ironically, writing ‘Lonely Battle’ turned the battle into a less lonely one. Talking about my eating disorder wasn’t easy. Singing and writing about it was. I found a way to tell my story and turn it into something positive and inspiring.
And now, in 2020, I can tell you with pride that I won the battle. I’m releasing ‘Lonely Battle’ on World Eating Disorder Awareness Day with the message: even though you might feel lonely, you are not alone.
lyrics
Tell me what do you see when you look at me
I’m pretty sure you can’t tell that I am going through hell
From the outside you can’t see the battle going on inside of me
The twisted game that I don’t even understand myself
And I feel so ashamed of the dysfunction in my brain
So I decide to smile and laugh it all away
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am hiding, I’m hiding all of my pain
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am my own worst enemy
The funny thing is that I know
I don’t have to do this on my own
But how can I expect anyone to love
The part of me that I hate so much
I feel so afraid to disappoint the ones I love
They might run away from me, cause I also would if I could
So I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am hiding, I’m hiding all of my pain
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am my own worst enemy
Carrying myself through the days
Then when I’m alone I break
Feeling like a failure
Beating myself up
Am I doomed to live in shame and emptiness
Wishing I was better, but it’s never good enough
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am hiding all of my pain
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am my own worst enemy
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am hiding, I’m hiding all of my pain
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am my own worst enemy
But I am fighting, I’m fighting
I keep on fighting, I’m fighting
I am fighting, I’m fighting a lonely battle
I am my own worst enemy
